Three questions:

1) What constitutes modern art? A sieve without a handle, a misshapen squash? Esthers patience with the Turner Prize has reached its limit.

2) What’s the difference between a banana and a phone? ...what's a banana?

3) What’s the first rule of customer relations? The customer is always a tw@t.

Plus, the positives of Oxbridge sliding down the university league tables.

And saving the best till last, look out for Giles and Esther’s absolutely fabulous Jane Horrocks impressions.

** Contains strong language from the start

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What is a freebie, how do you get them and do you have to pay tax?

A tale of two particular freebies this week, interspersed with a collection of Giles and Esthers own freebies from the past.

While Lady Starmer has fallen foul of some members of the press for her new dresses, Eamonn Holmes has been scoffed at for taking his lady friend on a cruise. Esther and Giles have sympathy, freebies aren’t all they’re cracked up to be and anyway they’re part of the business, aren’t they…

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Giles and Esther are thrilled to be back from their long summer break, well Esther is.

And there is so much to talk about; Keir Starmer has taken a truth serum, but is that what people want? Donald Trump went face to face with Kamala Harris in an animalistic US presidential debate. The weight loss drug Ozempic is now being offered to children and Greggs have launched a range of footwear. The world is still mad.

But fear not, take joy in the simple things, just like Giles and Kitty on the way to school…

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